TANTRUMS NO MORE. (REALLY!)

By: Raun K. Kaufman

Director of Global Education, Autism Treatment Center of America®

Does your child scream, hit, pinch, or throw objects when things don’t go his/her way (or sometimes for no reason you can fathom)? 

Here’s what to do: 

The First Half: I don't understand tantrums.
1) ATTITUDE FIRST. It is absolutely crucial that you make your mission in life to remain calm, relaxed, and comfortable. This isn't about ACTING comfortable. This is about BEING comfortable. If you need help with this, call us (413-229-2100). But here’s a starting hint: Don’t make what your child is doing mean anything about you.

2) DUMB YOURSELF DOWN. Be a confused person trying (but mostly failing) to be helpful. Make a confused face. Say something such as, ”I’m not sure what you want when you hit/scream/cry.”

3) BE SLOW, QUIET, & MELLOW. Fumble around trying to figure out what your child wants for a few minutes. (But make sure you are being slow, quiet, and mellow.) Don’t keep doing this forever, though. If the crying or whatever continues, you can wander away (assuming the situation is safe).

4) NO VENGEFULNESS. smile emoticon Remember, attitude first. This is not about sticking it to your child or disciplining them. It’s about the fact that you don’t understand crying, hitting, or screaming.

The Second Half:

I DO understand language & gentleness

1) FEED GENTLENESS. Find ANY excuse throughout the day to make a very big deal whenever your child does anything that can be construed as gentle – to you, to his/her sibling, or to anyone else. Cheer it. Jump up and down. Celebrate. Freak out a little.

2) TURBO BOOST YOUR RESPONSE TO LANGUAGE. Whenever your child uses language (in a non-crying, non-whiny way) – even if it is only an attempt at part of a word – SPRINT to go get it (and, yes, also cheer, jump up and down, celebrate, and freak out). Show your child how effective even trying to use language is! (If your child wants something you can’t get, hugely celebrate and offer an alternative.)

3) STAY CONSISTENT. Remember: You only understand language and gentleness. You do not understand (and are not agitated by) screaming, yelling, biting, hitting, etc. (And also remember that not understanding hitting does not mean that you have to stand there and let yourself get hit. But when you move away, stay calm and relaxed about it.)

I delve into this subject in MUCH more detail in Chapter 14 of my book, Autism Breakthrough which you can find here!

THE 7 JOINING NO-NO’S YOU’RE PROBABLY DOING

By Raun K. Kaufman

Director of Global Education, Autism Treatment Center of America®

Joining is one of the most crucial techniques of The Son-Rise Program®. It’s the first thing we do, and it is absolutely essential for building trust and rapport. When we join our children, we participate in their ism (“stims”) with deep interest and acceptance – without trying to change or redirect it. All learning and interaction rests on the platform of the relationship that is built with your child through joining. This is why getting joining right is so important. I have seen many, many people join, and I never ceased to be moved when I see someone joining their child with love and sincerity. However, I also see quite a number of people do things during joining that they may not realize totally undermine its effectiveness.

Below are the top seven Joining No-No’s that I see. There is a good chance that you’ve done some of these things. But, hey, that’s okay! You’re in good company! Most people I’ve ever worked with – people who love their children and who are stepping out from the crowd by doing a Son-Rise Program – have done at least one of these things (and usually more). So I beseech you to read these seven no-no’s with a sense of self-acceptance, ease, curiosity, and – yes – humor.

1. STARING. Many people keep watching their child as they join. The problem is, that isn’t joining. It’s observing. And your child can easily tell the difference. When you’re watching a movie with someone, and they are staring at you the whole time, it doesn’t really feel like you’re watching a movie together, does it? So once you begin joining, rather than staring at your child, stare at what you’re doing. Instead of looking at your child every two seconds, really get involved with what you are doing. Remember, you aren’t trying to prove that you can mimic, you are getting involved with the activity that your child loves. You are building a connection around a common interest – the operative word being common.
2. HOVERING. I see lots of people who hover when they join. They get too close, and their child really just wants some breathing room! When joining, you don’t have to get in your child’s face. Remember that part of the reason your child is “isming” in the first place is to tune out everyone who’s in their face! You want to give your child some space. If your child is sitting down, then, by all means, sit down, but don’t sit down an inch from where he/she is sitting. If your child is standing or pacing, then stand or pace, but not right up on top of him/her.
3. STEALING. Hey, man, don’t take your child’s stuff. (I know your child’s stuff is awesome, but try to resist!) If your child is lining up small green cars, then, whatever you do, don’t take his/her green cars and start lining them up. Yes, that’s right, you’ve got to use the rejects. If your child likes to use the shiny green cars but shows no interest in the old, half- broken yellow cars, those yellow cars are all yours, baby! Use the same typeof item that your child is using, but not the ones your child is actually using.
4. NARRATING. Many of you think that you’re a sportscaster. As your child is, for instance, stacking blocks, you are narrating his/her every move. “Oh, now you have the green block. Oh, that’s nice how you’re putting it on the red block. Here comes the blue block!” Believe me, I’m not questioning your narrating skills. I’m sure they’re awesome. But, when you’re joining, that’s not the time to put them on display. If you are joining, and your child is not speaking, don’t speak.Get into the activity you’re doing rather than doing anything that smacks of trying to interact with your child. Which brings us to the next no-no.
5. CHEATING. Whatever you do, don’t try to change your child’s behavior in any way when you’re joining.This is the biggest mistake people make, and it’s the mistake that is most detrimental to the whole point of joining. Your child is no dummy. If you try to use joining as a way to get your child to change, alter, or stop his/her behavior, your child will immediately see that, and you will have torpedoed the entire joining technique. This means no saying “Hey, buddy, look at me!” No trying to get your child to take his/her little car and race your little car. And no gimmicks to try to get his/her attention. What is so spectacular about joining is that it results in child-initiated interaction. A major characteristic of autism is the lack of social interaction that is initiated and wanted by the child. One of the factors that makes The Son-Rise Program unique is that it focuses on developing within each child the ability to initiate social interaction. We want to enter the child’s world, wait for her to voluntarily initiate interaction, and then (and only then) use that interaction to invite her to stretch and communicate further. We want our children on our side. The only way to achieve that is to join them in their world until they join us in ours. This can’t be forced. Joining isn’t a trick we use to sneak our child into a different activity or behavior. Joining is the way we enable our child to form a bond with us.
6. TIMETABLING. (Yes, that is a word. My spell check says so.) In the last several years, a few autism treatment methods have sought to adopt aspects of The Son-Rise Program by doing what they thinkis joining as a way to create interaction. So they will, for instance, set aside 15 minutes of each session to “join” the child. (The length of time is decided upon by the therapist, of course, not the child.) The problem is, these methodologies still end up missing the boat because they try to adopt joining without understanding it. Joining correctly means joining until your child stops isming of his/her own volition and looks at you or approaches you in some way. It does not mean that we set aside fifteen minutes for joining, after which our child must do as we say. The length of the joining is determined by your child, not by you. That is the key.
7. COPYING. This last no-no is for all of you who have a child or adult who has Asperger’s Syndrome or is highly verbal. Many of these kids/adults don’t have traditional-looking isms such as hand-flapping, repeating sounds, tearing paper, etc. When theyism, they talk about their favorite subject. In depth. For a copious amount of time. People will sometimes join these activities by either repeating back everything the child says (i.e., “copying”) or talking (often over the child) about the child’s subject. This will often feel, shall we say, less than thrilling to your child. Instead, listen with great interest and enthusiasm. Joining, at its core, is not about copying, mimicking, mirroring, or imitating. It’s about creating a relationship, a trusting bond, a sweet rapport, based upon diving into your child’s world, loving what they love, exploring what they’re exploring, cherishing what they cherish. It’s a way of showing your deep love for your child by saying (through action), “I love you. And because I love you, I love what you love.”

An important note. I have some parents and professionals (not many) tell me that they’ve tried joining, and it doesn’t work because their child always tells them to stop.  This almost always happens when the people “joining” are doing one or more of the no-no’s. So, of course, the child, who doesn’t want to be interfered with and manipulated, wants them to stop. If your child does tell you to stop, the first thing to do is stop. Then give your child a little time, and try resuming your joining from much farther away – making absolutely sure that you aren’t doing any of the no-no’s.

I know that you love your child. I know that you so much want to forge the most powerful, loving, close relationship possible with your child. And that is beautiful. And sweet. And deeply meaningful. Joining is your way in. Use it. Capitalize on that boundless, limitless love you have for your child.

And know that I’m cheering for you every step of the way.

All the best,

Raun K. Kaufman

Feeling Loving and Easy … no matter what your child is doing

Susan Humphries
Son-Rise Program^® Teacher,
Autism Treatment Center of America^®

All of us have moments when we are uneasy, frustrated, angry, sad, afraid, or some version of “uncomfortable” in circumstances involving our children. So let’s talk about turning this frustration into elation!

Here are some of the most common “uncomfortable” circumstances that parents tell us about:

• My child is physically intense with himself or others.
• My child is screaming and crying for hours at a time.
• My child is destroying my house (breaking glass, kicking holes in the wall, throwing her/his dinner across the room).
• My child is eating and smearing his/her poo.
• My high functioning child only wants to talk about; (kitchen appliances, "What time is Mom coming home," Minecraft™, "What would happen if I ran outside with no clothes on," etc.)

Most people would react in an uneasy way to one or all of these scenarios above.

Taking a closer look, your initial response of discomfort actually has nothing to do with the circumstances. Your discomfort actually comes from what you are thinking or the beliefs you are holding when you witness your child’s challenging behavior.

Here are some simple steps you can use right away to stay relaxed in response to any of your child’s challenging behaviors … to help you turn your frustration to elation. These tips will help in a variety of situations. We will use the “pooh scenario” as an example.

1.   Be Aware, Acknowledge and Accept your uncomfortable feeling in the moment

o    Be aware of what you are feeling in the moment i.e. sad, angry, irritated, nervous, etc. For example, when you see your child smearing pooh, do you feel your muscles tighten? Do you start running towards your child? Do your eyes pop out of your head while you scream, “Noooooo”? The feeling behind all this action is irritation.

o    Acknowledge the feeling by thinking to yourself, “I am getting myself irritated.” Notice, I am saying “getting myself” vs. “the poop on the wall is getting me irritated.” You are choosing this feeling based on a belief you are having about the circumstance. You are doing the absolute best you can in this moment based on this belief. For example, you may see the pooh on the wall and get yourself irritated because you are believing that your in-laws will judge you as a poor and ineffective parent when they come over to visit. To avoid this future judgment you reacted by yelling at your child in the moment. You did this in hopes that your child will whip himself/herself into shape before your in-laws next visit.

o    Accept your feeling in the moment. Say to yourself sweetly, “I am getting myself irritated and that is totally OK!” This way you will be more motivated to understand your thinking. Remember, you are doing the best you can with what you know in the moment.

2.   Decide that your happiness is your priority! All of the actions are based on what you believe. Here are some supportive beliefs to help you feel more comfortable right away.

o    My child is doing the best they can with what they know and how their sensory system copes with the world.

o    My loving relationship with my child is the most important thing at this moment. I only have control of my feelings, thoughts and actions. I am not in control of my child’s feelings or others’ feelings, thoughts and actions.

o    When I am feeling comfortable and easy, I am a part of the solution. My comfort will help me be a more effective teacher to help my child accomplish our long term goals.

o    When I am easy, my child will move towards me. When I am uneasy, my child will move away from me.

o    My child’s challenges do not diminish who I am as a parent and how much I love my child.

o    The more I think in supportive ways, the easier it will be for me to be happy.

3.   Take Action

o    Explanations are powerful for your child’s comfort and for yours. Let your child know why you want to help them and how you will do that.

o    Lower your energy when your child behaves in ways you do not want to encourage and be certain to CELEBRATE the behaviors you do want to encourage.

o    Feed yourself with supportive thoughts or a belief you want to try for the day, etc. Post them on your mirror. Set reminders in your smart phone. Read these books for even more ideas: Happiness Is A Choice by Barry Neil Kaufman, Autism Breakthrough by Raun K. Kaufman, Autistic Logistics by Kate C. Wilde.

o    Think of a reason to be grateful in the moment. Love all parts of your child, even when they are challenged. This way you are practicing loving of all aspects of your child; their beautiful smile, their infectious laugh, their intelligence and their autism!

o    Run your Son-Rise Program. This will help your child in all areas in and out of the playroom.

All of us at The Autism Treatment Center of America^® and The Son-Rise Program^® are cheering each of you on through your loving as well as your most challenging moments. We know that you can turn these moments into opportunities to be totally relaxed no matter what your child is doing. 

The Son-Rise Program® Sleep Protocol™

This could be your child ... beautifully, quietly sleeping in their own bed.

Photo Notation: Vivek, Age 6, Diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder – Slept in his own bed the first night his parents used The Son-Rise Program Sleep Protocol!

So many of our children have challenges with sleep: going to sleep, staying asleep, sleeping in their own beds etc. This, as you know so well, often results in you having challenges with sleep too!

The Son-Rise Program Sleep Protocol: (condensed version)

1.   Be Ready: In order for this protocol to be effective, it is essential that you really want this to happen. That you see the benefits for your child and family and that YOU are ready for your child to sleep on their own.

2.   Believe your child can change: Even if your child has had sleeping challenges for years, this does not mean they are not capable of sleeping on their own. The brain changes in response to changing stimulus and circumstances. By changing the way you behave around bedtime and sleep, you are offering your child (and their beautiful brain) the chance to change in response.

3.   Know that we can all have the capacity to put ourselves to sleep: When we are babies, we associate the sound of our mothers heartbeat, the smell of her skin and the sound of her voice with a soothing, ‘go to sleep’ feeling.

When we are tired, she may pick us up and again, offer us the sound of her voice, the feel of heartbeat and the sound of her voice, and we use this as our cue to relax and go to sleep. Typically, as children grow older, we begin to put them into their own beds and through this process they begin to soothe themselves instead. They may hug a teddy bear, or rock back and forth. They may wrap their arms around their pillow and hum, or rub their feet together – effectively replacing the old cues with new ones that they created!


Photo Notation: Casey, Age 13, Diagnosis: Autism - Slept in his own bed the second night his parents used The Son-Rise Program Sleep Protocol!

For our children that are unique or on the Autism Spectrum oftentimes this more ‘natural’ process does not occur and they continue to associate the smell and sounds and feel of their parents with sleeping and therefore may appear to ‘need’ Mommy or Daddy in order to fall asleep or stay asleep if they awake (those of you who have middle of the night visitors know what I am talking about). It’s vitally important, essential actually, that you believe that your child, once they are given the opportunity, is perfectly capable of creating a new ‘cue’ that will offer them the same, soothing ‘go to sleep’ message that they had previously gotten from you.

4.   Prepare Using these steps:

a.   Starting a few weeks before you will begin using the Protocol, start counting down on the calendar. Explain to your child (regardless of their age ability) what is going to happen. “Hey Buddy! I have some exciting news!! YOU are going to get to sleep in your own bed, like the big boy that you are! On this day, (show them the calendar) you will finally be able to sleep on your own! Isn’t this exciting??” Mention this at least a couple of times each day.

b.   Tell your child that you are going to get them a brand, new, wonderful Sleep Buddy! This means that just before the day that they are going to sleep in their own bed you go to the store and pick out a wonderful, new stuffed animal (or you can bring your child and they can pick it out!). You are also going to take a soft t-shirt that you own and you are going to sleep in it for a day or two (so it absorbs your wonderful mommy or daddy scent) and you are going to put it on your child’s buddy (so they still go to sleep with the familiar smell of those they love.

c.   On the day that you put them in your own bed, tell your child, “This is so exciting! From now on you will sleep in your own bed and Mom and Dad will sleep in their own bed."

5.   Do it!: After you walk out of your child’s bedroom, pause and take it in - you are on your way! If your child cries, that’s ok, perhaps this will be part of the process they use to find their own ‘soothing’ sound (I have heard many child transition from a cry to a humming at bedtime). If your child comes out, you will take them by the hand and very quietly and sweetly walk them back to their bed (without much talking on your part) and remind them that they get to stay in their own bed. If your child later comes into your bed, do the same thing again – walk them to their own bed, quietly, sweetly and remind them that they get to sleep in their own bed now.


Photo Notation: Leo, Age 6, Diagnosis: Autism - Slept in his own bed the first night his parents used The Son-Rise Program Sleep Protocol!

6.   Stay the course: You may have to walk them back to their room, or get up in the middle of the night and walk them back to their bed ten times in one night. Or perhaps 10 times a night, for numerous nights. Although I suggest being prepared to do the Son-Rise Sleep Protocol for 10 days, the majority of families I have worked with (see the children above?) have had success within 24-48 hours!) Remember, your child will not magically sleep in their own bed, they require our help and guidance and support to make the transition. By staying the course, and being consistent and committed you will offer them this fantastic opportunity to grow.

****Special Added Bonus: YOU GET MORE SLEEP! If you are well rested, you will probably find that you have more energy, more creative ideas, more patience, increased stamina, greater information retention and an increased ability to be playful. What’s not to like?

I am so excited for you to use this protocol!
I also invite anyone who uses it to please send a photo with their child sleeping in their own bed (like those above) to my Executive Assistant: Cyndi Chase at cchase@option.org to be included in our soon to be created 'Son-Rise Program Sleep Hall Of Fame'.


Be well,
Bryn Hogan

Executive Director of the Autism Treatment Center of America^®

The Banana Phone

A new video in the series Games4Socialization™

Part of helping our children on the autism spectrum grow their attention span and eye contact is for us to grow our ability to be entertaining. The more playful and entertaining we are the more likely they will want to look at us and engage with us. Click on the video for two playful ideas from The Son-Rise Program on how to use pretend food in an entertaining way.

PLEASE WATCH AND SHARE!

NEW PRODUCTS & NEW PRICE – The Son-Rise Program Starter Kit

The Son-Rise Program Starter Kit ($74.95 + Shipping/handling) is a specially priced selection of outstanding resources designed to help you, your family, your support team and everyone else in your child's life to be able to:

• Help your child immediately.
• Further understand The Son-Rise Program.
• Prepare for a Son-Rise Program Start-Up.

This package includes everything you need for a detailed and comprehensive introduction to The Son-Rise Program.

Order Your Starter Kit Here

Games4Socialization™ -- Tommy The Talking Tool

We designed “Tommy the Talking Tool “to help children with autism form words and sentences, and have clearer articulation and clarity of speech. The most important ingredient in any learning process is fun! Tommy the Talking tool makes talking more fun and interesting for our children. Click on the video to see how you could make one for yourself and use it with your children.

Rave reviews for Autistic Logistics

Rave reviews for Autistic Logistics A Parent's Guide to Tackling Bedtime, Toilet Training, Tantrums, Hitting, and Other Everyday Challenges by Kate C. Wilde, Author & Director, The Son-Rise Program AUTISTIC LOGISTICS provides clear, precise, step-by-step advice on everything you want to know, including ... How to toilet train your child without pushing or pressuring How to get your child to sleep in their own bed and through the night What to do when your child tantrums, hits or bites How to introduce new foods, without a fight Ideal for all therapies, all age ranges and all points on the spectrum, this book will be of immeasurable value to parents and caregivers of children with autism. Now Available!

Joining

Kim Korpady,
Son-Rise Program^® Child Facilitator

You know the feeling you have when you’re with someone who just "gets you" ... the feeling of being completely understood, fully accepted, and above all just totally LOVED and adored as a person and friend! Ahhh, such a sweet experience to have someone in your life who wants nothing better than to get to know you better and connect with you ... an experience which often leaves you with a lasting impression of your time with that person.

Now imagine your child ... imagine all the hopes you have for your child to live independent lives full of rich, meaningful relationships ... relationships where they have the opportunity to experience the wonderful feeling of being loved, accepted, and understood ... relationships where, in turn, they can connect with others and the world around them. But the question is ... how can you help your child get there? ... how do you help them step out of their world so they want to enter the world of relationships?

In The Son-Rise Program our intention is to create a deep connection and rapport with our child to help them develop their own motivation so they want to enter our world of relationships. When they have this desire they will want to form countless relationships. These relationships will help them connect to the world around them and live the independent life we so want for them.

The best way we can help our children create this desire to connect with us in our world, is to first connect with them in theirs. In The Son-Rise Program we first focus on joining children in their world by joining them in the activities they love. When your child is exclusive and repetitious (“stimming” or what we call “isming”) “join” them by doing exactly as they do.

Let me share a story … last week, I was working with a beautiful little boy who on average interacted and connected with others for about two minutes out of every hour -- the other 58 minutes of the hour he was in his own world “isming” away peacefully. When I walked into the playroom I knew connecting with others and interacting was a challenge for him, so my intention was to purely get to know him in his world first. I wanted to send him the message “I get you, and I want to be your friend.” I joined him in his “ism” for almost two hours … he would take his colorful orange scarf and shake it in front of his face. I, in turn, would do the same with my own scarf in front of my face. When he would excitedly say “Eeeee!” , I would say the same, and together the two of us delighted in the sounds and sights of this incredible “ism”. I was not waiting for a game to begin, nor a moment to ask him to say a word or phrase, I was simply getting to know him and sending him the message “I want nothing more than to get to know you right now.” So for those two hours we “ismed” and “ismed”, and “ismed” … and then something very special happened… The scarf he had been shaking became still, he looked up and met my eyes with a huge grin, and came over to wrap his arms around my neck for the sweetest hug ever! He didn’t say the words “Thank you”, but I like to believe that this was his way of saying it. I felt so very connected with him. From that moment forward to the end of our time together, over 45 minutes, we played and played and played -- games of bounces, tickles, and puppets. He choose to connect with me in my world.

Let’s take a look at a few reasons why this worked the way that it did and why we join our children when they “ism” · We are sending our child the message I love you and I want to get to know you. Since social relationships are one of our children’s greatest challenges, by joining them in their world we are saying … “I want to get to know you and connect with you in the easiest way possible for you -- in your world first.”
· By joining our child in their “ism” we get to know our child much much better… we find out what their motivation is, so we can offer them fun games and activities based on the things we have discovered they love.
· When our child is “isming” we “join” them until they give us an indication they are ready to connect (a social cue such as a look, a verbalization, or physical contact). We do not interrupt their “ism” nor do we try to “make” them interact with us. By not interrupting our child’s “ism” and waiting for them to indicate they are ready to connect, we are helping them build a muscle within themselves …a socialization muscle. Each time they are joined they get the opportunity to practice spontaneously wanting to connect (again, remember we are not interrupting or forcing our child to interact with us in any way). This strengthens their spontaneous socialization muscle. The more we join, the more we help them get stronger in this area!

Wow! When you use The Son-Rise Program technique of “joining” you are your child’s very own personal trainer for socialization.

These are just a few insights into The Son-Rise Program principle of “joining”. For more useful information about this principle and other Son-Rise Program techniques, please visit our website at www.AutismTreatmentCenter.org Above all, have the best time with your beautiful and amazing children!