How Controlling Are You?

FROM BECKY: Last week my best friend Holly was here from England staying in my home for the week. I had the week off work and we both enjoyed a fabulous week of catching up with each other, laying on the beach, and relaxing together.

I have always known I was a little controlling when it came to my kitchen, but last week I was aware of just how much I feel the need to control what happens in my kitchen and how everything is done. At times I would catch myself checking on whether my friend had used the appropriate cloth to wipe the surfaces with or if she had squeezed the dish sponge out or left it soaking wet in the sink. I also re-stacked the dishwasher the way I wanted it a couple of times.

As I explored this subject with my friend, at times laughing and joking at myself and at other times looking for my beliefs around my actions and deeper reasons for why I chose to be this way. As I did this, I discovered some things:

First of all, I found that I believed the way I did things was the most logical to me, the safest and healthiest way to do things (e.g. "Of course you squeeze the sponge out when you have finished washing the dishes, otherwise it holds bacteria and will begin to smell, therefore needing to change the sponge more quickly" or, "I need to fit more into the dishwasher so I'm going to stack it for maximum productivity", etc).

Secondly, I realized that there are many things in my life that it's not useful or it's impossible to control (e.g. I can't be controlling in my work because I work as part of a team and it wouldn't be effective, I also teach parents to let go of outcomes and attachments and that they can choose to be happy even when they have no control so I want to be a model for what I teach there). I also can't be controlling in my relationship because I have seen that it leads to us butting heads and drives us apart. instead of us working together towards a similar goal. The one thing I can control in my life is my own kitchen, how it's run and what goes on there!

I also noticed that when I'm being controlling, people back off and I don't get help with things. Seeing as I'm nearly six months pregnant, Holly was actually being helpful by doing some things for me to lighten my load. When I was controlling, she stopped offering to help, which in the long run was ineffective because I could probably use all the help I can get right now. So I decided to create some new beliefs around it.

1) Letting go of the need to control means I am free to fully trust those around me.

2) Everyone has different ways of doing things, we each have our own reasons which make sense to us, my way is not necessarily better, just different.

3) My life will be easier and more relaxed and fun if I let go of control!

4) Having to control things means that there is a judgment there of how others will do things. I want to live my life as judgment free as possible.

I would love to hear your stories about the things that you feel the need to control in your own lives.

With love,

Trust

From: Kim


Trust.

I dive the ocean of my being

Through the waves I wrestle leaving

Wanting not what is the blue

Of my ocean… of my true

A twisting body weaving round

So lost in mind not touching ground

Waves breaking through to carry me

I push and pull… I cannot see

Its only when I trust the waves

That then the ocean justly saves

Carrying me right through blue

Guiding me in all… I do

My ocean is my greatest journey

Embracing lifts the constant turning

Trust these waves, and seize the knowledge

Of my ocean, my waves acknowledged

A dream come true

From Gaby:Last weekend Gerd Winkler Son-Rise teacher came to our house for an Out-Reach. Having met him last year for the first time, Tybalt this time greeted him enthusiastically and told him all about his favorite Characters (disney cars ). Gerd didn’t understand that Mater one of the cars figures could take on another figure then the tow truck. Tybalt therefore went to get a book for him in order to show him pictures of Mater. After that we went into the playroom where we played a wonderful game of making spaghetti with meatballs. Tybalt was flexible in going with Gerd’s suggestions and he even waited his turn to talk when Gerd asked him to. When Gerd and I left the play room he told me that Tybalt was ready to go out of the playroom and into the real world. It was only one hour after the beginning of our two day Out Reach and the impact of Gerd’s words made me quiet dazed as they rung in my ears. For years I dreamt of this moment but when it came I was taken by surprise.
For 6 years we have been running a full time son-rise program and I have loved doing it. Enjoying the journey as we say, but still we always had the goal of being able to put Tybalt in a school and being able to make friends. This day has now arrived.
To now change our life’s is a daunting thought and Gerd helped me by dialoging me. Excited I decided to discover beliefs and change a belief that would otherwise hold Tybalt’s progress back. Letting go of Tybalt after being so intensely involved in his life is a big step. It’s one of joy but none the less I’m grateful for the dialogue helping me to embrace this new step fearlessly. For 6 years we have shared intense and amazing moments together in a way that only this program can offer. Realizing how our lives will now change is like taking an airplane and going to live in a different part of the world. All new and exciting.
As the change will also be a big step for Tybalt, we will start with introducing him to places like the museum once or twice a week and then spending the next days talking about what we saw. These outings will be carefully planned so that he will be able to handle them easier. We will be doing some home schooling, but we will also try to see how it goes if he goes to a small school for a few hours a week. It may still be too early for these changes, we will wait and see. Gerd thinks Tybalt is ready but Tybalt will let us know by how he reacts to the new situation.
Gerd advised us to only introduce things appropriate for a boy his age. This meant throwing away all the books, toys and dvd’s that weren’t age appropriate. It actually meant throwing half of his stuff away. A few team members helped me with this chore. We made it into an important moment as I explained to Tybalt we were doing this because he had become such a big boy. I also bought an exciting boys book and dvd which he loves.
When I think back to when we began the program I see a small boy who didn’t speak and either spent his days running around for hours on end without heading others or hiding under the sofa coming out only for food or the tv. Now 6 years later and almost 12 years old he talks, asks us all kind of questions and loves being in the company of people. What a difference. Where would we have been if Samaria and Bears didn’t get Raun and hadn’t started the institute. As I write this I know that somewhere on this earth is an other Son-Rise child playing in his playroom. 24 hours a day there is always somewhere on this planet a Son-Rise child working with his volunteer to come out of his autism into our world. We are all united by our special children. We support each other via facebook and skype. We travelled ( in some cases to the other end of the world ) to help our children. We embrace a loving and accepting attitude. For hours on end we join our children in isms. How amazing is that!
As our journey changes I want to thank Bears, Samaria and all the staff of the Autism Treatment Center of America. I will always be eternally grateful to you. We are not there yet, we still have an exciting journey ahead . As Tybalt steps into the real world I know that Son-Rise will always be a part of our life as that’s the way we breath. It has changed our world, our personality and look on life. It has brought many wonderful people into our lives. I also want to thank all the extraordinary people who have helped Tybalt by working with him in the playroom. They will continue to help us as the journey progresses and share in our joy. These people have become a part of our family and we love them dearly. Where would we have been if it weren’t for them.
Thank you

My Child Likes to Draw!

FROM BECKY: We have a beautiful four year old boy here at The Autism Treatment Center of America this week. His amazing family have come all the way from Vancouver, Canada to do an intensive program.

This morning, I had the pleasure of observing this boy's Father playing with him in The Son-Rise Program playroom. During the 15 minutes that I watched this boy and his Father, he was mostly engaged in a game of drawing and writing different words and pictures on paper. At times he would be exclusive as he did this for a few seconds at a time but was mostly talking to his Father, taking his Dad's hand to have him draw different things and also paying attention to what his Dad was drawing.

What was missing from this activity was a deep level of connection, two people really focusing in on each other in a strongly interactive and personal way. If your child likes to draw with you and is including you in this activity but is not really looking or connecting to you with a depth of quality and is more absorbed in the drawing than relating to you, here are some ways you can help them work that social muscle.

1) Build yourself into the activity.
Make yourself more animated and something that your child can focus in on as you draw. For example, if you are drawing an apple, pretend to take a bite of that apple and exclaim, "It's delicious!". Stand up with your marker and back across then room, build up anticipation as you come in slowly to draw some fireworks. Try drawing a funny face and then pulling the same face yourself for your child in an entertaining way. This will help bring the attention on to people as opposed to you being a vessel with which to draw for your child.

2) Ask for eye contact!
When your child is motivated to have you draw the next thing, request them to look in your eyes so that you know they are talking to you and not the paper.

3) Help them participate in a physical way.
Try asking them to pick the next color to draw with or flying to the shelf with you to get the next piece of paper.

4) Position yourself, opposite them and slightly lower then their eye level if you can.
Give them a bit of distance as versus being next to them. behind them or really close to them.

All of these ideas will help your child to look at you more, motivate them lengthen their interactive attention span, inspire them be more invested in connecting to you and to relating to people in a deeper, richer way.

Have fun!

Mind over body

From Amanda:

Good morning Son-Rise Program parents,

I am writing to you live from the Autism Treatment Center of America in Sheffield, Massachusetts; home of the Son-Rise Program. Today, I wanted to share a personal experience with you, as a way to inspire and motivate you when you feel as though you are allowing your aching body to get in the way of going into the playroom with your child.

Nearly 10 months ago, I developed a condition in my shoulders called Adhesive Capsulitis, otherwise known as "frozen shoulder". This is a painful condition in which the capsule around the shoulder joint becomes inflamed and then tightens. the body then responds to this condition as an injury. The capsule then grows fibrous tissue which adheres the joint to the shoulder causing one to lose much of the mobility in the shoulder joint. IT IS REALLY PAINFUL.

Why am I telling you this? Well, because I am a child facilitator at the Autism Treatment Center of America and this injury dramatically impacted the way I worked with children in the playroom. you see,I wanted to facilitate "as I always did" as a way show them how much I love them. I wanted to reach my hands in the air and shout; I wanted to roll on the ground and laugh. I wanted to do all of the amazing things I did before my shoulders developed this disease. I was no longer able to be as physical in the room as I had been in the past so I adopted the belief that I shouldn't go into the playroom. My shoulders did not impact the way I facilitated; it was my attitude.

When my shoulders began to hurt, I did unhappiness around the idea that I wouldn't be able to do the physical things I d when I was in the playroom before they hurt. I was attached the idea that if I couldn't be with our children in a 100% physically well manner, then that meant I couldn't be with them at all. Boy was I wrong!

I soon figured out that my body didn't have to work like a well oiled machine. To join a child as a way to show them I love them, void of all judgments, I don't have to be perfect. That isn't what matters most when I work with a child. The Son-Rise Program attitude of love and acceptance is the core of being with our amazing children in the playroom. I didn't have an injury in my mind that prevented me from doing this, so I just needed an attitude adjustment.

I decided to drop my old belief of not being able to be with our children due to my injury, and adopted a new belief that I am fully capable and absolutely solid in the playroom with our children. I decided I could give then as much as any facilitator, just in a different way. If a child wants me to hold them upside down, I let them know I will do this for them, but I will have to use the ball to help me because of my shoulders. When a child is throwing their hands in the air as they ism with excitement, I ism with excitement and throw my hands part way in the air. I always offer an alternative if there is something I can't give the child, and because I am doing this from a place a love, it is always effective.

So, if you have physical limitations, know that you can still be an effective facilitator in the playroom. An amazing facilitator in the playroom. Trust me, your child will feel your love!

with love from, Amanda

Beautiful Ismer's

From: Brandi Davis

This is a poem that I am dedicating to a wonderful little boy from our Intensive Program last week at the Autism Treatment Center of America. I joined him for over an hour and it was a wonderful experience!

He breathed in deeply as if to inhale the world

then he twirled his chew toy with perfect purpose.

No need to rehearse this as our movements raised with grace

my watch flapping and his arm slapping in sync before our face.

Steady stares not breaking time

two poets writing their exclusive rhymes

this moment no longer his or mine

as our lights merged into one magnificent shine.

Singing in silence

we are fine

we are fine

perfectly fine.

No place to be as I became him and he became me

feeling free

being free

one heart beating in the chest of loves infinity.

Simple as "ABC".

Hello Everyone,

I am posting this blog from Argentina, where I have been doing outreaching with the most amazing and inspiring Son-Rise Program families! To Matias, Julia and Franco I send you my love, kisses and admiration for working so hard and making so many changes!  I will blog later about my experiences here, but first I am posting this weeks video blog.

Click on the video below from The Autism Treatment center of America for some awesome game ideas using your child's motivation of the "ABC's".

Physical Participation in Interactions

FROM BECKY: A wonderful and helpful way to help your child with Autism be more flexible, to create more connection in your interactions and to motivate them to invest more of themselves into your interactions is to give them a PHYSICAL WAY TO PARTICIPATE. This is a stage two flexibility goal in The Son-Rise Program Social Developmental Model.

Here are some ways you can work on this goal:

Sensory/physical games
If your child likes watching bubbles, invite them to dip the bubble wand into the bubble container for you, ask them to pop each bubble or chase them around the room. If it's tickles and chases they crave, pretend to fall over and have them help you up, so you can chase or tickle them again. Maybe they love foot squeezes, request that they give you their foot each time for a new squeeze. If they like rides on your back, create a launch pad out of a chair and have them stand on it each time they want a ride.

Imagination games
If you are playing camping, have them help you light the fire, hold the flashlight for you, or put up the tent. If you are at the beach, they could rub some pretend sun tan lotion in your back, try on different pairs of sunglasses or come for a swim in the ocean with you. If you are cooking, have them stir the soup, pretend to taste it or butter the bread for a sandwich.

Conversations
If your child likes you to tell them repetitious stories of things that have happened, get up and act them out, have them play the parts of different people or go and get props to help you act it out. Have them hold a toy microphone as they speak or hold it for you as you speak. Try bringing an envelope into the playroom with different subjects to talk about, take turns drawing a piece of paper from the envelope.

Have fun physically participating!

Numbers! Numbers! Numbers!

Hello!
From Kate Wilde:

More game ideas brought to you from The Autism Treatment Center of America! We work with many children on the Autism Spectrum who are very motivated by numbers. Click on the video below to see three game ideas using numbers!

Remember to use the Son-Rise Program techniques of introducing the games only when you have a green light from your child, and use the three E's to make your game fun and captivating for your child. If you are excited about the game your child will be more likely to want to play it with you.

Have fun and celebrate every attempt your child makes to play it with you.

An Old Friend!

FROM BECKY: I wanted to share a really meaningful experience I just had working with a beautiful 17 year old girl with Autism. Elizabeth, who I go back a few years with, came to our Son-Rise Program Intensive for the 4th time this week.

I was working with this lovely young lady one on one and I wanted to do something fun and creative together where we could help each other make something. We have this wonderful activity called "Build a Stool" which involves, actually constructing a wooden stool together with screws and a screwdriver.

As soon as I introduced this activity, Elizabeth was interested in it, watching me take each part out of the box as I read the instructions to make sure we had everything we needed for the job. The more I got involved in the activity, the more connected she would get as she smiled and watched we attach the first two legs on to the top of the stool

Next, I encouraged her to participate which she did, by having a go at screwing in one of the screws. She was obviously new to this and couldn't quiet fit the screwdriver into the top of the screw very easily. With lots of celebrations and invitations, she started to get more involved as we assembled the rest of the stool. The whole thing took an hour as we took turns, getting each piece perfect, laughing, looking, occasional words being said between us and having a good old time. She got more and more confident, each time she used the screwdriver and was really giving it some elbow grease by the end. It was so fun!

We had just completed it when Amanda, another Son-Rise Program Child Facilitator came in to do the next session with Elizabeth. We finished off our time together with a couple of high fives and then tried out the stool's sturdiness as we all took tuns to sit on it.

That was the highlight of my day!

10 Tips – Recruit Volunteers for your Son-Rise Program

FROM SIMONE - Before being a Son-Rise Program Mom, I had experience as a teacher, as well as, a trainer for a loyalty marketing agency, so it is no surprise that in my role directing my son's Son-Rise Program, I would be attracted to recruiting and training volunteers. During the six years I have been running my son's Son-Rise Program and actively participating in The Son-Rise Program community around the world, recruiting and training volunteers is an area that gets a lot of discussion. I thought I would share a bit of my experience so far...what has worked or hasn't worked for us, which I thought could be useful to everyone.

BELIEVE that you will find volunteers!
You will hear this word throughout The Son-Rise Program community and it is written in The Son-Rise Program Start-Up Manual, so it should always come first in any of your Son-Rise Program lists: BELIEVE! One might say that “believing I will get volunteers doesn't make any difference if there aren't any out there.” and I say “believing does matter because you cannot find what you’re not looking for. When you don't believe volunteers are out there, you simply will not see potential volunteers all around you, which will lead us to the next point...
Volunteers are not "ready-made".
YOU inspire and motivate your volunteers to be exactly what you want them to be in your child’s Son-Rise Program through your training, your knowledge, your enthusiasm and your feedback. With a dedicated training plan, anyone physically able and committed can be an excellent Son-Rise Program volunteer!

Go for attitude and character…not expertise.
When recruiting a Son-Rise Program volunteer, the least important thing is an extensive curriculum and loads of experience. Actually, in my experience, a volunteer with less experience has been incredibly open to new ideas and to move with your feedback rather than to question The Son-Rise Program principles against their own knowledge, experience and background.

Check your attitude and your beliefs.
It's a wonderful thing that someone wants to volunteer to work with your child and we obviously have all the reason in the world to be grateful to them, but watch out for the belief that you owe them a favor and therefore you must do as they say, because they are helping you. The healthiest way to see the volunteer is that there is a mutual relationship where two entities that come together to learn from this very special child, you are both being enriched by the experience and having the blessing of your relationship too, learning from each other. The best thing you can do for your Son-Rise Program and your child is be assertive as to what you want for your Son-Rise Program and your child and be very clear about the way you want the it to run...without compromises. Being true to yourself and what you want for your child is the best way of being grateful to your volunteers’ commitment and their time.

Become a Son-Rise Program volunteer yourself!
You might say “Well, I hardly have time to run my child’s Son-Rise Program.” By volunteering in another Son-Rise Program, you will see how good it feels to volunteer in a Son-Rise Program playroom and how much can be gained from it. This experience will help you immensely in understanding your volunteers’ perspectives; and in being comfortable and assertive while setting clear expectations for your Son-Rise Program.

Create an atmosphere where people want to come back to you…or most importantly stay.
As part The Son-Rise Program, we have the amazing resource of The Option Process, the philosophy that originated The Son-Rise Program. Some people pay for therapy or counseling sessions to be heard. During the volunteer interview, I present this amazing world of being non-judgmental, respecting each other, being heard and asking non-judgmental questions. I show them that while working for us, they will live that love and acceptance every time they step through the door.

A picture (or a family’s inspiring story) is worth a thousand words.
A fellow Son-Rise Program Mom has developed an application form which explains The Son-Rise Program in detail. You, too, can easily make one to send to future applicants. There are several resources available to help your future volunteers understand what The Son-Rise Program is all about – the website, YouTube videos, testimonials and parents’ stories (endless amazing stories that The Son-Rise Program community can’t get enough of), the Autism Solution video, this blog and The Son-Rise Program’s Facebook Fan page. Recently, a volunteer that I hired told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be a part of The Son-Rise Program, but when I gave her a copy of Jade's documentary to watch, she called me the next day saying she really wanted to work with my son. Sometimes pictures speak louder than words!

Look for agencies that can help you find volunteers.
There are innumerous agencies and charities who will help you find volunteers. I find students are always very interested in learning and experimenting. I love drama students because they are so expressive in the playroom and the amount of imagination and improvisation they have to use makes the job very appealing to them. Look for drama schools and see if you can have a demonstration to talk to students. Ask for some time at your church or community center to show a Son-Rise Program video; or hold a street party with treats, music and organize a screening of a Son-Rise Program video; ask your local paper/radio station to put in an ad for you; or post the volunteer position on a job posting website.

A note about “paid” volunteers.
If you would like to pay your volunteers for their time or to help them with their transportation costs, consider doing fundraising to help cover the costs of paying them. Perhaps, if they are students, it would be interesting for them if you paid their tuition to attend The Son-Rise Program sequence or have an Option Process Dialogue with a Certified Option Process Mentor/Counselor.

Embrace your volunteers as your new family!
Welcome your volunteer into your home and create a fun place to be so that they want to come back. You will be investing a lot in their training so you really want them to stay. But how do you train them? Well that is the subject of my next blog...

Have fun looking for volunteers out there and see the potential in everyone. Marvel at the diversity of human beings and learn how enriching it can be to have completely different people in your Son-Rise Program!

I WANT YOUR COMMENTS! Feel free to share any ideas or resources that you’ve discovered to help recruit your volunteers!

Simone