As I have continued to dialogue about my own feelings and beliefs as well as mentoring Son-Rise Program parents, a particular perspective on caring for and giving to others has formulated. I find the perspective helpful as I continue my journey of deepening my acceptance and happiness with life.
The perspective goes something like this: Caring for and giving to others can be broken down into two distinct types. (Remember I am not talking about the truth - only my perspective, which is belief-based.)
The first type is a caring and a giving that is based on accepting, loving and wanting the best for the other person. It is a giving that comes from the joy of caring for this person and requires nothing back in return, because the giving itself feels good and is in agreement with how you want to live your life.
The second type is caring and giving that is based on saving yourself! This is best understood within an example. So let's say your partner wants the family to go and spend the afternoon with his/her parents and you really do not want to go, because you don't get on with the in-laws. You decide to go along with what your partner is asking for based on the saving-yourself type of giving. Your possible belief mechanism could be as follows - you go because you don't want your partner to get unhappy with You. You believe when they are unhappy with you they are not loving you, and not affirming that you are a good person (or that you are alone.) This does not feel good to you and so as a way to avoid (save yourself from) feeling bad about yourself you go to your in-laws house, so your partner stays happy and loving towards you!! You appear giving and caring, yet you really go because this is the only way you know to continue feeling good about who you are. When we give in this way, we can ultimately end up resenting our partner for "making" us go - yet really we are resenting ourselves for operating in this way.
The key to letting go of the saving-yourself type of giving is to accept that you are doing the best you can. Then, work toward feeling relaxed and good about yourself, even if your partner (or other people in your life) are unhappy with you and the choices you make.
Remember, it is a worthy cause to be happier in your life for it will lead you to be a more loving and caring person - consider it as a gift to the world.
With much love and smiles,
William
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