Today is a Gift! That’s Why it’s Called the Present

How present are you? Are you truly living in the moment? Or are you off somewhere else? Your mind may wander to a past event, get lost in a daydream, or shift from one thought to another without any real focus. Remaining present is an integral part of The Son-Rise Program and something many of us struggle with – including me. Over the past 14 years of practicing and teaching The Son-Rise Program, I‘ve worked very hard on this. I’ve learned that being present on a consistent basis is an ongoing process that requires both intention and action. When your attention isn’t focused on staying in the moment with your child, you may miss opportunities like his/her attempt to communicate or engage you in play. Here are some of the ways our thinking steals our joy, and causes us to miss out on important moments:

• Regretting choices you’ve made concerning your children
• Worrying about your child’s progress and whether you’re doing enough to help them
• Stressing about your children’s future
• Making comparisons about your child’s progress
• Feeling uncomfortable about something your child is doing or not doing
• Avoiding repetitious questions and things, i.e., reading the same book for the 100th time
• Thinking about our to-do lists, work projects, or the next step of play while interacting/joining our children in their repetitious and exclusive activities

Here are five ways you can become more focused on "now": 

1. Intention!  Know and trust that being present does not mean you will never dream, plan, or set goals for the future. It simply means that when you’re with your child, the goal is to stay attentive and remain in the moment.  You can focus on your tasks at a later time.  Right now, join them, celebrate them, entertain them, and then when you get the cue make your request. Remember it’s important to take time with each step, be attentive and hone in on their cues. 


2. Practice makes perfect!  When you’re completely in the moment during your daily tasks, you’ll get better at staying present with your child.  Try making a cup of tea without thinking about anything else but what you’re doing, or listening to a friend without forming opinions or problem solving in your head.  While driving your car to the store, instead of running through your shopping list, notice how the wheel feels in your hand, listen to the sound of the engine, and pay attention to how the road looks in front of you. 


3. Be aware of the times when you find yourself drifting.  You may notice a pattern. Perhaps you zone out when your child does their exclusive and repetitious activity (what we refer to as an “ism”), or when your mother-in-law starts complaining about something, etc.
4. Accept yourself.  When you catch yourself lost in thought, take note of it and say, “I’m doing the best I can” and gently bring yourself back to the here and now. 


5. Try to understand yourself.  Because we often have a lot on our plate, it’s easy to prioritize other things over being present.  When we’re in this place, it’s the perfect time to ask, “Is this really more important than staying in the moment with my child?”  If not, let it go without judging yourself. 

When children on the Autism Spectrum do things they love (i.e. exclusive and repetitious activity), they are incredibly present and focused. Nothing else matters.  They can become so involved and engaged with a certain topic of conversation that they simply do not allow anything else in.  Because they are masters of being present, we can learn a great deal from them.

When we follow these steps and are fully awake and present, we have the opportunity to connect more deeply to our children, and engage them in a more meaningful way. At the same time, you’re making it easier for them to bond with you. Children challenged by Autism are adept at decoding our attitudes and our level of openness towards them. So if we can stay in the moment during our time together, we’ll be a magnet to them.  In essence, you’re showing them just how wonderful and useful it is to be with people.  By remaining present, you’ll not only see their beauty and uniqueness in a brand new way, you’ll continue to discover more ways to help them grow. 

The Benefits of Celebrating Your Child

Celebrating your child on the Autism Spectrum each time they interact with you is an extremely effective Son-Rise Program® technique. After more than 25 years of working with children on the Autism Spectrum I would say that sincerely, warmly and enthusiastically celebrating a child’s attempts at interacting with us, IS one of the most powerful and impactful techniques we have not only to support the child’s development but also to enrich your own life.

Imagine if you realized that the technique of celebrating was one of the most powerful tools you have to help your child .  How would that change the way you celebrated your child? My guess is that your celebration would become more passionate and sincere. My guess is that you would increase the intensity and amount you celebrated your child. This change would enrich your child’s life and help them grow profoundly, but perhaps more importantly it will change and enrich your life as well. How?

For Your Child:

1.    They will grow. Your celebration shows your child on the Autism Spectrum that people are inviting, warm and fun to play with. As you  celebrate them for looking at you , talking to you, and interacting you are highlighting what you want them to do more of. Your child will develop in the areas you most pay attention to. Celebrate the areas where you want your child to grow, which for us at The Autism Treatment Center of America™ is social interaction. When you celebrate your child you are creating an environment of success and warmth … the ideal environment to foster growth.

For You:

2.    It will change how you see your child. Imagine if you celebrated your child every time they looked at you … every time they put their hand in yours. Imagine if you celebrated each time they responded to your request … spoke to you or made a vocalization. Yes that means you would be spending a lot of time celebrating.  But if you really did this you would be appreciating and SEEING all the times that your child is giving you what you want. Often we are so preoccupied in seeing what our child is not doing and focusing on encouraging them to do something that we may actually miss a lot of what they have already accomplished. Changing how you view celebrating will change this.

1.    The more you celebrate the better you will feel. There is no doubt about it … sincerely celebrating feels great! The more you celebrate the more you will see that not only is your child succeeding but also that you are too! This can translate into having more energy and hope for you and your child’s future.

2.    Celebrating will grow your ability to “be present”  and “to be grateful”. Barry Neil Kaufman (Co-founder of the Autism Treatment Center of  America and The Son-Rise Program) in his book, Happiness is a Choice, calls these two skills “short cuts to happiness”. By celebrating our children we are growing our muscle to choose happiness and comfort in our lives. When we are focusing on being grateful it is hard to be unhappy. Being happier feels good and will translate again and again into more energy to help your child. The more present you can be with your child the more you will grow your understanding of your child and how they operate.

3.    Grow your celebration of yourself and others in your life. As you practice the art of celebration with your child, it will spill over into other areas of your life. As you celebrate the other people in your life they in turn will tend to be warmer and sweeter to you. As you celebrate you will also become a model to your child and others in how to see and respond to the world.

Some of you might say,  “well my child does not like it when I celebrate … they move away from me or put their hand over my mouth, or in some cases my even tell me to stop”. If this is the case we don’t stop celebrating, instead find a different way.

• Celebrate them quietly versus loudly. 

• Respond first to what they are asking and then celebrate.

• Wait until your child has finished having a conversation with you, or playing a game with you, or looking at you and then celebrate the wonderful interaction you have just had.

• Make sure that your celebrations are age appropriate … take this into consideration especially if your child is older. What form of celebration would they like?

• Celebrate silently with your facial expressions and arm movements instead of always celebrating verbally

• Vary the way you are celebrating – are you stuck in a loop of always celebrating in the same way; this can get “old” or lose its effectiveness for your child.

Celebrations are like water and sun are to a plant … they are the food that nourishes our growth and attitude.