Eliminating Control Battles With Your Child 

One of our children’s biggest challenges is flexibility -- we are always looking to create a supportive environment for them where they get large amounts of control and there are limited boundaries for them to come up against. This is one of the reasons why The Son-Rise Program Playroom is so effective in helping our children gain the control they are seeking so that they can relax into connecting and relating to us more deeply. In essence, it’s a “Yes” environment which is easy and useful for them to be in. The playroom is also designed to be as distraction-free as possible, giving them more of an opportunity to notice us in a world where so much stimuli is coming in at them from all angles. In turn, this makes for an environment where you, yourself also have more control and limited distractions, making it much easier and more enjoyable for you to be with your child.

Doing as many hours, one-on-one with your child as possible in The Son-Rise Program Playroom is the ultimate environment for you both to be in, but making some changes outside of the playroom and around the house can also help you switch your role from “Police Person” to “The YES Man or Woman!”

Eliminating control battles around your personal property: Decide what you don’t want damaged and keep your valuables locked away in a room or a closet that’s easily accessible to you but not your child. This would apply to the bills, your laptop, that antique vase that is on the mantelpiece, etc. Less is more when it comes to our children so the less they have to distract them, the more control they get in the long run. Cover your nice leather couches if need be and if you have a child that is partial to peeing on the Persian rug, you can even lay some tarps down underneath the furniture for the time being. In the bathroom, lock away, shampoos, nail polish, etc, so that there is nothing available for your child to pour down the sink or squirt all over the walls.

Eliminating control battles around safety: If your child is a thrower, lock that marble doorstop away for now, along with any sharp objects such as scissors. Keep the kitchen knives in a childproof drawer. Place the TV and VCR in a lockable cabinet when your child is around. Household chemicals should be locked away, better still eliminate toxins and switch to natural cleaning products. If your child likes to spray water, turn off the faucet at the mains underneath the sink.

Eliminating control battles around food: Many of our children have sensitive Bio-Medical systems and food intolerances, so incorporating a certain diet may be something you are doing with your child. Anything that you don’t want your child to eat can be locked in a designated place where it’s out of sight, out of mind. If your child will eat 10 bananas in a row, only leave one banana in the fruit bowl that day.

Eliminating control battles around the schedule: Use explanations with your children whenever their environment is going to change. We are always working on our children creating a desire to connect and relate to people and that means we need to be as predictable and user-friendly as possible so that they can trust us more easily. So if you know that your Aunt Joan is coming round to visit, let your child know in advance. If you need to take your child to the Dentist, write it on the calendar and tell them every day that week exactly what’s going to happen and when.

Taking this time to adjust your surroundings will give you HUGE peace of mind to know that both you and your child will be safe and as boundary-free as possible helping you to be more relaxed and present and enabling you to enjoy your child and your environment to the fullest.

Becky Damgaard,
Son-Rise Program Teacher 

In love

From Gaby:

There comes a time in every mothers life were she almost (am I kidding myself) is not the most important person in the life of her son. The moment he falls in love for the first time. Age 12 Tybalt is over his head and ears in love.
It brings back memories to the time I was 16 and I fell in love for the first time. Memories of that time is emerging thanks to Tybalt and I realize now how often my mom had to answer my question “mom do you think he loves me”. There was only one thing I could do, I went and apologized to her for the months of infatuation that I kept asking these questions.
Ah sweet memories…………I remember this time so well and it makes me love seeing my son being so in love. It’s so endearing. There is only one BIG problem, she doesn’t exist. His big love is Rapunzel from the Disney movie. Answering his question “mom do you think she will marry me” is a bit difficult to answer. If I say no he says I’m lying. If I say yes I’m not being truthful. What makes it even more difficult is that we will be going to Disney World Paris in a few weeks and who will we meet there? 3 guesses.We even found a picture that she realy does exist (see picture).
How is it possible that Tybalt can fall in love with a comic Disney movie figure? Well is it so much more different from us falling in love with an actor on the screen? Not really. The chances of a relationship in both cases is slim if not none existent. If I ask him why he loves her, he says “she has such beautiful blond hair and green eyes and she is so sweet”. Can’t argue that. That it is a real feeling is also not a question there are enough situations which proof that. For example the other day I had to wash his hair which he hates. When he didn’t want to wash his hair I said “I think Rapunzel doesn’t like a boy with dirty hair “(not really a son-risesy way of putting it I’m sorry to say but had been trying to get him to make his hair wet for 15 minutes already). Tybalt spontaneously blushed and he quickly washed his hair. The first words in the morning are Rapunzel followed by a fraise…. And the last before I tuck him in is “Mom do you think Rapunzel will love me?” Where do I remember that fraise from ?
The other day he said he wanted to pick her up from the airport. “What will you do when you meet her I asked”. As if I asked the most stupid of questions he looked at me and said “kiss her” . Luckily when he says he is going to take Rapunzel back home he also says she can sleep in the guestroom so I can breathe a bit more safely .
After two weeks of this he is starting to ask himself more questions. The other day he said “ I do so hope she exists”. We had told him that the figures at Disney World Paris are people in dolls playing mickey mouse etc. . He didn’t want to believe this but maybe it is making him think and wonder.
It is so sweet to see him being busy with his big love. Respecting his feeling we talk seriously about it and try to help him. For example the other day he said he was going to take her out. “Did you ask if she wanted to come with you” I asked? “No” he said. “Well maybe we can practice, how would you ask her” I said? “That is so difficult” was his answer. “I know it’s difficult that’s why we practice”. “Come with me” he said. “That’s really good Tybalt if you said will you come with me a girl likes it even better but yours was also really good” I told him. So we practice more social skills thanks to his being in love. We tell him what kind of things girls like to do or get as a present. The boys in the team tell him how they encouraged their girlfriends so they started to love them but also how sometimes it didn’t work for them. The girls tell him what they like about their boyfriends. We told him that she probably doesn’t realize he loves her so he quickly learned the English fraise “I love you”. He also decided he wanted to sing a song for her so he is practicing singing a song for her.
My sweet boy is growing up quickly.I wonder what will happen if we meet Rapunzel in Disney World Paris. Will he do all the thing he plans or will he become shy and say nothing. What ever happens it will be the perfect learning for him and we will be there for him if he needs our support.
In May I am coming to the Option Institute to take the Fearless course. I might just take a look at my fear of helping my child into puperty and how to help myself come to terms with not being number one any more. Luckily he still puts his arms around me daily saying “mom I love you so much” and then I can truly say “Tybalt I will always love you!”