1. To Really accept and be happy with another person exactly as they are today.
2. To want the best for that person.
3. To take action to express your love by doing something useful for that person.
The question is how do we get to the place where we can really love another person as the definition suggests? One way would be to focus on loving yourself first.
If you can have compassion for yourself and accept yourself for who you are today, it will be easier for you to accept another person and show compassion towards them.
If you find yourself judging another person, it may be because you judge that same quality in yourself. The path to loving that person would be to accept that quality within you first.
Do you find yourself saying things such as, "I should be better", "I am so bad", "I can't believe I was such an idiot", "You were so stupid" as a way to motivate yourself to be more loving? How's that going?
Instead try the following thought.
"I did the best I could." "I did the best I could" "I did the best I could"
The best thing you can do for your child today is to show compassion and love towards yourself.
Have a great day, evening, morning or afternoon loving yourself!
With love
Kate
FROM SIMONE - Any parent of an autistic child can remember very well the day they were given their children diagnosis. For a brief moment the Earth stops moving, and you really have the impression you are going to wake up from the nightmare at any moment as it is not real, this is something that happens to other people in films or the Newspaper not to your beautiful baby who is so clever, intelligent and so beautiful! All the Dreams you once had for your child suddenly come crashing down smashing into a floor of reality concrete.
Any Son-Rise Parent can also remember the day their dreams lifted up and created wings flying in a wonderful wave of regained hope and joy - The day I went to see a Raun Kaufman lecture in London.
I remember watching as a child the Son-Rise Movie on TV and the story of the little kid flipping plates never left my mind, it's like if I knew. When the Doctors first mentioned my son could be autistic I remembered the film and searched up on the Internet the title in my Portuguese native tongue which is "My son my World". The Son-Rise Website came up and Raun Kaufman was going to be in London for a series of free Lectures.
I went with my Mum and sat down in the midst of dozens of Parents all displaying the same look of hopelessness as I did, then Raun came on stage. I couldn't believe he was the same boy portrayed in the movie who could only rock and spin plates all day long. Apart from being eloquent, inspirational and knowledgeable he had great sense of humour, something everybody insists that any autistic person will never have. Raun was no different than a typical person, you could never tell he was once severely autistic, but in a way he was very different than anyone connected with autism I had ever seen, he talked of a message of hope of believing, believing in your child like his Parents had believed in him.
If his own example wasn't enough the most amazing part of the evening was to see a teenage boy watching attentively the lecture with his Parents quietly, focused and then discussing the techniques with his Parents at the end. I remarked how beautiful it was that a sibling would be interested in learning Son-Rise to help, to what the Parents replied that he didn't have any siblings, he was once too, severely autistic but now recovered he was interested in doing the Son-Rise Program with other children too. At that moment hope was reborn in my heart. Not just hope of recovery but hope of happiness of not being condemned to being sad and not enjoying my child because he has autism, with the Son-Rise Program I could start enjoying my child right now exactly the way he was, and for that reason I have been doing the Son-Rise Program with my son for the last 5 years.
Raun Kaufman is doing a series of free Lectures in the UK starting this Saturday. If you know a family who is facing the challenge of a diagnosis of autism show them the path of hope:
Verbal communication is made up of two components someone talking (either verbally or non-verbally) and someone listening. I recently wrote a short blog about listening, this blog is about how we talk to our children. This week at The Son-Rise Program Intensive we have the cutest little cherub with autism. He is 9 years old, has black hair and loves to twiddle the seal from a prized carton of ice cream. He has a vocabulary of about 10 clear words,and a high pitched scream which he uses to convey the urgency of a want. He has yet to learn that we don't understand screaming here at The Son-Rise House.: - ) Even though he does not speak many words or have conversations, he has shown us that he can clearly understand everythingwe say.
Our children may find forming words and sentences challenging, but this does not mean that they cannot understand what we say.. Here at The Autism Treatment Center of America we see again and again that our children who have yet to speak can understand us.
What do you do with this information? Talk to your children. Talk to them as if you were speaking to a fully speaking person. Tell them what is happening, explain to them in detail where they are going, and why they are going there.
If your child has to take medication explain in detail how the medication will help them.
If you do not want your child to do something like dump out all of the shampoo into the bath tub, let them know why you do not want they to do this.
If your children are resisting making transitions from place to place, or refuse to take medication, it may just be because no one has told them what is going on. If we explain in detail not only will they know, but they will understand that everything we are doing is to take care of them and help them.
Take a moment think of a place where your child may be extra controlling and resistant and take the time to explain the situation in more detail. You may be surprised with their response.
Have fun talking to your children.
With much love Kate
This video shows you a theme you can play with your child to encourage physical participation. It is a theme using a piece of string that you run across your playroom. If you put a hook on each wall you can install it like a washing line and take it down whenever it is not in use.
This game involves rescueing Elmo. However you can use this washing line for many other ideas.
You can drape a sheet over it and divide your room into smaller sections making a den or a house like game, one section being the bedroom the other the kitchen - great to inspire imagination games..Or play "peek-a-boo".
You can hang pieces of paper with a letter on it and play a giant hang man game.
You can use it like a sport's net and play tennis or volley ball.
You can draw or paint pictures and hang them up to create an art gallery together.
Most important element is to add The Son-Rise Program 3 E's.
Enjoy all the many things you can do with this small adjustment to your playroom.
With much love Kate
FROM SIMONE - Have you had the experience when you hear a joke that you think it's the best one ever, you think you are going to tell your other half or your friends and they will laugh until their stomachs ache and you tell them and they go "Yeah all right, funny, ha"? This is just a silly example but people reacting in different ways to us to the same stimulus is very common. It is in fact a new stimulus for us, a new feeling to deal with, when someone we care about does not agree with us.
After several years volunteering at the Son-Rise Program week-long seminars in London and Raun Kaufman Lectures, my experience is that these events, apart from the useful information, carry a contagious atmosphere of joy, of positive energy that empower you to want more for your child and therefore be more likely to succeed in getting what you want for your child. We forget however, that the people in our lives are not there at these events, they haven't experienced what you have so what do you do?
What I have been doing for the last 5 years I have been running my son's Son-Rise Program is to use exactly the same principles and techniques I use with my son, with the people in my life, in a way that my life becomes a Son-Rise Program. I'll give some examples:
Joining - I've noticed I used to complain my other half didn't join me in what concerned our son's autism, when I started talking about it, his attention span was as short as my son's, so I joined him in his interests because that was all he was prepared to do at that time. I noticed I never took interest in English Football so I started asking questions, I never asked about his music, his main hobby, and I started to listen to it with him. Just like it happened with my son, there are now many more things we do together because I enjoy doing them as I never stopped to check how fun they could be. We strengthened our relationship and I slowly gained more terrain that now I can have longer discussions about our Son-Rise Program.
Eye Contact - I've noticed when I discussed Son-Rise with my family I didn't look them in the eye, already assuming they would disapprove and I didn't want to see the look of disapproval, when I started looking at them firmly in the eye my message became firmer, more assertive.
Persistently requesting - When dealing with a NO from the LEA (Local Education Authority) I said OK then I went back five minutes later and tried in a different way, then tried again, and again, and again.
Changing my beliefs - When explaining to my friends about the Son-Rise Program I used to lower my head, and lower it, and lower it until, by the time I mentioned that my son wouldn't be eating the chocolates they brought him for Easter or watching the DVD they bought for his birthday, because he didn't watch TV, I would be as hunchback as the fellow in Notre Dame, in my belief that they would disapprove or be offended. Then I worked in changing my beliefs, in thinking I was such a cool Mother promoting a healthy lifestyle in my house and I would throw them the news with all my 3E's, Energy, Excitement and Enthusiasm!
Being an Example - I noticed I wished my son thought vegetables were fun but I didn't think they were fun, so I bought a bunch of vegetables and cut them all in different shapes and started eating them, it's amazing how many I got to know that I never thought about eating before, my new hobby was looking for exotic ones and experimenting with them. My son? At three years old before we started Son-Rise he only ate custard creams and crisps now his favourite snack is raw rocket leaves with no dressing or salt, just as they are, and carrot sticks, celery sticks, we don't need to count our five a day unless we are playing counting, all because I dared first!
My message today is all you want from other people dare to do it first, be an example and show them you are having fun and they will follow because FUN is contagious!
From Kate Wilde: :How can we help our children on the Autism spectrum talk more? How can we encourage our very talkative Autistic children to have conversations? One answer from the Son-Rise Program would be to listen, and by listen I mean really listen. The kind where you are not thinking of the next thing to say or play with your child.The kind where you are just taking in and marveling at the splendid sounds, words and sentences your child is making.
Verbal communication is made up of two components, one person talking and another listening. If no one is listening then a communication is not taking place. By us modeling listening we are helping our chidlren understand how to listen to another.
When we listen we will hear our children make sounds and words and thus be able to respond with an action to the sound. This will encourage our children to want to use their language more.
When we listen we can respond with a comment about what our children are saying, helping them to understand how to respond to another persons topic of conversation.
Next time you enter your playrooms to play with your children instead of focusing on talking to your children, focus your attention on listening instead. You may be amazed by what you hear.
FROM BECKY: This week I have been very busy. I am getting ready to leave for a three week vacation, I am about to move house, and I have taken on some new projects at work and yes, from time to time I do tend to overwhelm myself with all the things that I have to do.
I know that running a Son-Rise Program, whether full-time, part-time or lifestyle, and even simply being a parent can be a lot of work so here are some things that work for me when I am feeling overwhelmed.
1) Acceptance Acceptance Acceptance! The first step to the path of comfort is taking a moment to check in with myself. Acknowledge that I am feeling this way, take a few deep breaths and relax into the feeling without judging it as good, bad, right or wrong. Even this first step of becoming aware and allowing ourselves to really feel what we feel, we are able to do the things we want to do in a much more clear and effective way.
2) Take action! When I overwhelm myself, it actually leads to inaction for me. If I sit thinking about all the things I have to do and pressure myself, I actually can't see clearly to take the first step. Try writing a list of all the things you want to do. First cross off all the things that aren't important and prioritize the things that are with he most time sensitive being the first.
3) Enjoy the journey! There are always things to do! We tend to get into the mentality of "If I get it all done, then I can relax", what about relaxing first and then being fun and playful as you complete each task. Yesterday when I wrote my list, I starting singing a tune in my head about all the things I had to do, it became fun to sing each one and then cross them off as I went.
4) Some things can wait! I have a magnet on my fridge which reads "Dull women have immaculate houses" I do love a clean house, but sometimes, it would be OK if I simply swept the floor instead of mopping it too. And sure, I have enough food in the house already to feed a small army so do I really need to get to the grocery store today?
I would love to know of any other ideas of how people cope when they feel overwhelmed.
From Kate Wilde:In the Son-Rise Program we often say, "If you are going to go down go down big."
What this means is that no matter what we decide to do do it with passion and commitment, without fear or hesitation in the full bloom of the strongest love you can muster up in the moment.
When we work with children at The Autism Treatment Center of America everything we do we commit our hearts and soul to. If we are joining, we join with full commitment, if we are introducing a game we do so with 100% belief that not only is it a great game, but our child will want to play it. It is this commitment that makes us fun, and exciting to play with. It is this commitment to what we are doing that helps us stay focused and centered in the playroom.
This commitment does not mean that we cannot change direction at a moments notice, no matter what we have decided to do we can always change, you do not need to hesitate in the moment to know this. We have the power of choice in each moment, the only question is are we going to live it in hesitation or with full commitment?
As Goethe says:
" Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."
From Alison: Raun K. Kaufman will be arriving in the UK to commence his lecture tour in under two weeks from now. His lecture has brought a message of hope to thousands of families who have heard him talk. In 2003, I was one of those parents who arrived for the lecture. At the time I had been working in a playgroup supporting a child with autism as well as bringing up my son who had a diagnosis of very significant autism. I had trained in the PECS, TEACCH and Portage approaches to dealing with autism, so I had been told by those who diagnosed my son as well as those who did my training that autism was incurable. So to say that I was a little skeptical would be an understatement. I was also pretty desperate at the time because in spite of all my training, my son was really struggling.
What I saw in the lecture when Raun started to speak just blew me away. Raun started to explain why autistic children do the things they did - it made total sense to me. But the biggest piece of it was that for the first time somebody spoke about my child with love, respect and hope. For the first time someone was not writing him off and telling me what he wouldn't do, but offering me ways to help him be the bright shining star that I knew he was.
But what was obvious to me too was here, stood in front of me, was a man who used to be autistic, but was NOW TOTALLY RECOVERED. Raun was funny, spontaneous, knowledgeable and interactive with his audience. That two hours totally changed my belief in what was possible for my child and set me on a new path that has been miraculous for us both.
If you are thinking of going to the lectures then please book your ticket at www.AutismHelpUK.org/uk
FROM JAMIE: This story begins in 1995. Tyler is 14 months old.
What they said:
"They" are 9 medical professionals from Neuropsychologist, Neuropsychiatirst, Medical Physician, and several Therapists. "Tyler is Severely Organic Brain Dysfunctioned. I’m sorry this happened to you. You will be lucky if she dresses herself or feeds herself. Expect nothing more. Put her in school 5 days a week. Have another baby. Get on with your life. Don't let her stop you from having a good life."
What MY ears came to hear:
WOW! HOW EXCITING! Your daughter, Tyler, has many challenges. What wonderful gifts this beautiful, curly red head little girl will give you during your journey together. Look at that awesome smile. She knows God picked you especially for her. Love her unconditionally. Accept her fully. Be non-judgmental. Know that she is doing the best she can and you are doing the best you can always. You have been blessed. Believe in possibilities. Believe in YOU, Believe in TYLER. Reach for the stars. Run your race to the end ...... As you walk with God on your journey, enjoy every step for you will have the best life ever imagined.
Tyler is now 16 years old. I have been running a Son-Rise program for 10+ years. Our journey has been amazing! She dresses herself and feeds herself and so much more. I never had another baby. I wanted to dedicate my life to Tyler. I am a single mom and I know God gave her to me especially. I am honored to have been chosen. We are walking this journey with God and so very grateful that He brought us to find the Son-Rise program. Everything I had been searching for for months. I have never looked back. I have never given up on Tyler and never will. We are running our race to the end. I truly believe that if I put Tyler in school she would never be where she is today. Son-Rise has given Tyler and I the best life ever imagined!
And so I say to you, Tyler: Thank you for all the wonderful gifts you have given me. Thank you for bringing me to the Option Institute to learn and live the teachings of the Option Process and to become the best mom I could possibly be - a Son-Rise Mom! Little did I know 10 years ago, that your diagnosis wasn’t just about me helping you, but you helping me. Thank you for continually walking this journey with me. You are truly a blessing. You have given me the best life ever imagined. I am so very proud of you and love you dearly !!!
And so I say to you, My Friends: Hear what you want to hear! Never Give Up! Run your Race to the End! Enjoy every step – it’s truly a beautiful journey when you Go Son-Rise!!!
From Gaby:For years you loved a certain name and you decide when I get a boy you will give him that name. Then the child turns 11 years old and decides he doesn’t like the name and wants to go through life as a ……… Garfield. History repeats itself. When I was 11years old, I wanted to be called George after Georgina from the secret five from Enith Blyton. I hated my own name. The problem with having used the name Tybalt for the past 11 years is that one forgets to say Garfield every now and again. “I’m called Garfield” invariably is heard. Sometimes we are just talking about him in a soft voice but his big ears pick it up and with a reproachful face we the grown- ups are put in our place. It’s been 3 months now and I’m starting to think Garfield might stick as a name.I admire his continuing to hold on to his new name even though I do see people look at him in a pitying way when I call out “Garfield”in the stores. I can just imagine people think "poor child his mother giving him a cat name but what can you expect with a veterinarian as a mom". But then again that is an assumption. Hum might be nice to dialogue about that one. The funny thing is that after the first few weeks I started thinking okay now it’s been fun enough lets go back to Tybalt. It doesn’t either help that his sister keeps calling it ridiculous and to stop calling him Garfield. How ever if this is what he wants then it’s time to accept and love this new name so he can fully decide for himself without feeling the pressure of changing. After all that’s what son-rise is about. Hurrah for Garfield the catboy. Now lets just hope it helps him get over his fear of cats
Some great ideas on how to use a therapy ball with your autistic child from a sensory perspective, and some fun creative ideas to stimulate lots of interaction. Add The Son-Rise Program 3 E's , love and delight and you have the perfect recipe.
From Kate Wilde: What do you do when you do not get what you want?
Do you stamp your feet and blame other people and the world for not making you happy? Do you see only what you do not have ignoring any other possibilities?
My God Daughter being excited about the Easter Celebrations I was holding at my house announced to me that what she REALLY wanted (really being emphasized to show me her passion and the importance of her wanting) was a purple Easter basket. I told her that I had already bought her basket, to which she replied, "Oh Katie its OK if its not purple - I like all the colors!" and off she skipped happy as a lamb.
When we create unhappiness about not getting exactly what we want, we then can decide not to like the many other options that are available to us. So not only are we unhappy about not getting want we want we are also unhappy about everything else in our lives. Robbing ourselves of many other pleasures.
From Katrina: Last week I did two outreaches with children who cried/tantrummed for extended periods of time. I was easy with this and even had fun myself while they were crying. Eventually they stopped and both children went back to having fun themselves. In the Q & A after the sessions, both sets of parents asked the same thing. "How do you do that? How can you be okay when they are crying like that?" If you've had the same question when you're child is crying read on.
First of all when a child is crying I believe that they are doing the best they can to help themselves. Most likely it has worked for them in some way or another to cry - they get what they want, they make someone uncomfortable, they change the situation in some way. Therefore they are doing what they think is best. Also, crying can be very organizing to an overstimulated body. If they have had a lot of stimulus (such as a new person in their space) crying is a way to help themselves cope.
Second, I believe that the best way that I can help a child is to remain comfortable myself and help them find a more effective way to help themselves. I see crying as an opportunity to help these children learn faster than I did growing up, that unhappiness is not a very effective tool. It would be much more useful to simply tell people what they would like or choose something else to do if their first choice is not possible. The easiest way to do this is to remain calm and comfortable myself.
I then explain to the child that I don't know what they want when they cry, but they could just tell me or even show me. I slowly offer them things they might want (slowly so as not to make it seem as if crying gets them things faster). If they continue to cry like my children did last week (they both talked of wanting out). I explain the whole situation of why we are there and where there parents are and anything I can think to explain. If they still cry I then explain that it is their playroom and they are free to do what they like in it, if they want to cry they can. However, I like to have fun when I'm in the playroom. I then take my energy off the child and go play by myself making sure to have fun (I like to even hum or sing to myself to really completely take my energy off of them). Sure enough, both children wanted to eventually play instead of cry.
The more comfortable and consistent we can be with this the faster we are going to teach our children that crying doesn't work!!!! Therefore let's all see crying as a wonderful opportunity to teach our children that it is way more fun to be happy!
wishing you all a week of happiness!
Love,
Katrina
(side note: last weekend the girl cried 45 minutes in my 1st session, 5 minutes in my 2nd session, and none in my 3rd and 4th - the comfortableness and consistency paid off!)
FROM BECKY: When we work in our Son-Rise Program playrooms with our children we love them unconditionally, we accept them for who they are and believe they are doing the very best they can, we are non-judgemental of them and we find them fun and exciting to be with.
But what about ourselves? When we are in our playrooms, are we loving ourselves unconditionally? Are we accepting ourselves for who we are, and believing we are doing the very best we can, are we being non-judgmental of ourselves and finding ourselves fun and exciting to be with? My guess is not always!
The Son-Rise Program is a two way street. If we are not viewing ourselves with love and acceptance as we work with our children, then we are not fully doing The Son-Rise Program.
Next time you go in the playroom, try applying these things to yourself. When you do, the love, confidence and creativity will be oozing out of your pores and your child will love it. Give it a try!
FROM SIMONE - I was at an Autism Biomedical Conference this weekend and several speakers, commented on how influential the STRESS factor was in the treatment of autism. A Doctor in Functional Medicine, for example, showed us the whole biochemistry of metabolism processes in the body going completely dysfunctional because of stress.
Even mainstream medicine recognizes how stress can actually start a condition or turn you ill. For a diabetic person, being stressed is the equivalent of eating a fair amount of sugar, for a child with autism the equivalent of eating all the things you keep out of their diet so meticulously.
Stress is in fact, like in a game of cards, the joker, whatever is a poison for you, stress will be your poison, the main factor to set your systems as dysfunctional as they could possibly get.
When I pondered all I had heard about stress I figured I was so fortunate to have chosen the Son-Rise Program and the Option Process for my autistic son and my family because we learn over and over with them that whatever happens in our lives is not the cause of my stress, I choose through my beliefs about what happens if I will be stressed or not so I am in control of my stress and therefore in control of my health!
With the Option Process we can choose to be like a rainbow that surrounded by dark grey skies shines bright and colourful clearly outlining for everyone the way to a pot of gold, a pot of happiness!
This week we have two 6 year old boys with autism attending training programs at The Autism Treatment Center of America. They have very different personalities and stages of development but they both have one thing in common, they are attached to certain objects.
One of the boys has held an object all day today, either 4 magnetic letters, or 2 chew toys or an L shaped block of legos. The other boy has worn an orange pumpkin hat all day. They reminded of a boy with Autism I worked with many years ago who held a packet of instant noodles by pushing his pinky finger against the palm of his hand all day. As he held on to this packet he managed to build towers, maneuver his favorite figurines and play games of chase with me, never for one moment putting down this packet of instant noodles. Quite a tricky task.
What do we suggest you do if your child wants to hold onto an object all day , or wear a particular piece of clothing, such as a hat, belt, shoes, scarf - Join, by wearing a hat, or holding an object as similar as possible to the one they are holding. Hold the object or keep the hat on as you play games and do different activities with him. Do it for as long as they do.
This communicates to our children that we acknowledge that the holding of an object or the wearing of a hat is important to them. By doing the same we are telling them that we respect this part of them.That we are not so different from them that we too enjoy holding objects too. It is our experience that this joining inspires our children to want to connect and play with us more.
Don't you want to play with someone who likes the same things as you?
Another fun game from The Autism Treatment Center of America - this game is designed for a child who is in stage 3-5 of the Son-Rise Program Developmental Model. It was created to help autistic children learn the skill of looking at a person's face to see what they are saying. This game uses the alphabet - but you can modify it anyway you what. You could create a facial expression code using whole words instead of spelling words.
Have fun with this very silly game and let us know how it went.
FROM SIMONE - Have you ever been in love when you were 12 or 13 years old? Remember the feeling when you first stepped in your new house? When your Baby was born? When you first listened to that song you really love? When you bought what you saved for, for months, or years? I could go on and on...
What do these sentences have in common? Certainly you would think the birth of a Baby carries more importance than something you have bought, so why have I compared them? They are all experiences that YOU decided were Awesome, YOU decided they were to be remembered for ever and ever. They are little pocket moments you created in time and space to cherish.
I was thinking about these moments the other day when staring at my staircase banister! I remember when I first found my house I was in love with my staircase banister as it is in a very McIntosh style, which I love, in fact the whole house has many features of the 1920's and 30's. I remember when I first moved here, just a year ago, I embraced myself in the feeling that I could never be unhappy in this house and yet just a year later I was sitting staring at my banister feeling sorry for myself.
That's when I remembered how we create our experiences, our beliefs, and I purposely stared at the banister and recreated all the smells, air, feeling of when I first entered the house. I thought it would be impossible, but the house was still the same, and I did it, my past feeling of joy invaded my current feeling of sorrow and all of a sudden I was looking at my current problem with different eyes and all that was my own creation.
I then tried taking that idea in the playroom and making every second like a first time happening, every look as it were the first, every sound as it were the first, every game as if it were the best, every smile as if it were forever.
I was surprised first of all how this intensity was exhausting for me, like when you don't exercise for a long time and your muscles ache but then realized how in time it became second nature and I would do it naturally, not just in the playroom but wherever, banister or not!
I also realized how the reason I had never done it before was I had the belief looking at everything with magical loving eyes would make everything boring one day but I just found out that the magic never ceases because I create it anytime I wish, it's an endless staircase of joy!
FROM CAROLINA: We work with such a wide variety of people - moms and dads, uncles and aunts, grandmothers and grandfathers, brothers and sisters...from all over the world - near and far, rich and poor, single parents and huge families... I'm amazed every day at the incredibly unique situations that families experience. Each family is so different - with such different beliefs and thoughts and perspectives. The world is a kaleidoscope of inspiring variety.
And yet, as unique as we all are - I continue to see one theme that seems consistent across all cultural backgrounds - we all seem to forget that taking care of ourselves is just as important as taking care of our children.
My unique perspective on life is that we never accidentally forget anything - I believe we always forget on purpose. What I've noticed is that each parent chooses to prioritize their child so much that they have to forget about themselves - there just isn't room for both. The operating belief seems to be as follows: "If I have time to relax and take care of myself, then I should be spending that time taking care of my child." It's like we're never enough unless we take care of someone else at every chance we get. If taking care of others 24/7 feels really great for you - that's fantastic! The only challenge with this belief is that it tends to lead to burnout - arriving at the point at which we are no longer able to take care of anyone.
It's time to take a moment for yourself. It's time to acknowledge that you are better for others when you have first taken care of your own body and your own spirit. Search your memory for the things you used to do purely for yourself - and do something just for you. Take a walk - stop and smell the flowers - do some yoga - read a book - put nail polish on your toes - watch part of a basketball game - cook a new recipe - sit in silence - have a cup of tea with a friend... Whatever it is that inspires a feeling of peace within you, give yourself permission to take the time just for you.
You'll find that it's like magic: when you return from your 30-minutes just for you, your child will respond in an entirely new way. You'll start to see that your 30-minutes-away-from-it-all were actually 30-minutes-to-support-the-whole-family. The more you take care of you, the more you are able to take care of your child.
This week at The Autism Treatment Center of America we welcomed 4 new Son-Rise Program students. They have begun an in-depth full time training to become staff members. The first week they attended the Son-Rise Program Start up, the second week is an in depth study of the Option Dialogue process. They will spend the whole week exploring their own thoughts and feeling. Beginning the process of uncovering any discomforts and judgments they might have about themselves or others.This is where the real work is, not the techniques of the Son-Rise Program but the way the facilitator thinks and feels as they are playing with a child on the autism spectrum.
This is what makes a Son-Rise Program Staff member so special, and be able to show genuine and spectacular love, enthusiasm and strong belief in the ability of each and every child they play with. This takes a dedicated intention on the part of the student to let go of any fear they might feel and choose instead to believe in the healing power of love and acceptance.
To our new students I salute your daring to walk this path. To all you son-Rise parents I salute your courage in choosing to trust and join your child.
FROM BECKY: I wrote this poem about a beautiful six year old girl that I worked with recently at the intensive program here at The Son-Rise Program. This lovely young lady was hearing impaired and also Autistic. Without her Cochlear Implant (which she didn't wear with us all week) she couldn't hear. Amazingly, one of our goals as a team for her was clear single words. In my session with her I heard her say a beautiful sentence so clearly "Blow more bubbles"
The Dancing Queen
Our eyes met Between walls of a sacred place I honored her space as she ricocheted around and around with grace
Arms moving wildly through the air Like a kite by the sea, I smiled with delight as I set myself free Lucky to be
She watched her own reflection As she kissed and waved Hello, there was nowhere else to go, there was nowhere else to be Just her and me
Dancing to the beat of life Our own rhythm pulsating through my core, twirling circles on the floor I couldn't ask for more
I found my own time Learning from a guru, the queen of dance, I took a chance I felt my love enhance
The odds were against her But from her mouth fell, three words which like music rang clear as a bell My heart she would tell
FROM KATE: Hello all! As you know, the Son-Rise Program playroom is the best learning environment for our children. This means that there are often times when our children begin to ask for someone who isn't in the room with them (e.g. "Where's Mom?" or "I want Dad!"). This video gives you ideas on how to help your children through this moment. Enjoy!
FROM MARY: Hi, I'm writing MY 'FIRST' BLOG POST EVER, and I'm celebrating that I am writing it!!!!
My Son-Rise Journey began 4 and half years ago with my son Sean and my daughter Marion.
Sean and Marion are my adorable 8 yr. old twins. Each is unique, adorable, gifted and wise, in their own way. They were both born with Down syndrome, and then after 2yrs. of our Son-Rise Program, both were diagnosed with Autism. More about that in another blog.
I want to celebrate that recently, FOR THE 'FIRST' TIME EVER, my daughter Marion chose to communicate with words, that she had an ear infection!!! I always use my keen observation of Marion's ways of expressing herself in ways other than words (hitting herself in the forehead with her fist, crying, acting physically forceful, isming a lot, o yea, and staying up most of the night making loud sounds, and jumping in her room) to decide it's time to get her ears checked for a possible ear infection. In the past, being as calm as I can, I always let Marion know, 'I'm doing my best to understand you...and if you can use your words I may understand you better'.
On this action packed day, (2 SR volunteer trainings planned, and my sitter cancelled) Marion was sitting on the living room floor, crying, and began to hit herself in the forehead, right when my cousin Rosemary was just about to go into SR training with Sean. We asked Marion....'why are you crying? We all heard Marion clearly say....
"Ear hurt", "Hurting ear" !!!!!
We all Celebrated Marion and she became excited that we celebrated her using her words!! I immediately called the doctor.... and got the appointment within 30 minutes! When we got there, FOR THE 'FIRST' TIME EVER, Marion walked into the examination room independently, and by herself, she got on the table, and she lay down and let the Doctor look in her ears!! All THIS IS FOR THE 'FIRST' TIME !! In the past I had to hold her on my lap. We all - my older son Nuccio, my friend Bridget who was helping me, Doctor Sheila, Marion and I did 'High Fives' with each other to Celebrate Marion!! We immediately told my husband Nunzio when he came home, and Celebrated Again!!
FROM JEANNIE: Hey Everybody....what do you think of this idea?If you are posting stories about your life and your autism experience, please keep posting!!! And if you are not or only a little bit, try posting or consider posting more!!!
WHY? BECAUSE IT'S USEFUL!!It's a great support for the person who is posting/receiving responses, and it's also a beautiful OPPORTUNITY for others to "be there" with you.
Some of the absolute worst times for me dealing with my son's autism were directly tied to being not just alone, but from being ISOLATED. However, many of the best times were connected to.....well, BEING CONNECTED!!
When I attended Radical Authenticity almost 2 yrs ago, "someone"(named Stelios!) twisted my arm into agreeing to get on something called "Facebook".... and at the time I had NO IDEA what this was. NOW I am thrilled at how this is such an easy and effective tool for those of us in the Autism and Son-Rise communities to stay in touch and support each other. And if you notice, often when people post personal items about their challenges, successes, process, photos.....often lots of people respond...or at least some people!!! IS THIS SUPER AWESOME OR WHAT?!!! TOGETHER WE ARE STRONGER AND CAN DO MORE. So,BE OPEN...AND BE READY TO RECEIVE...AND YOU MIGHT JUST BE ABSOLUTELY AMAZED AT WHAT COMES BACK!!
FROM BECKY: Now I have explained some things that will help you prepare for your new bedtime routine, follow the links below from Kate on how to create and stick to that routine. Below that are some more thoughts on how to make things easier for you, other family memebers and your child to cope with the routine and how to follow up the next day.
1) Pick someone to be on bedtime duty each night. The new routine coul take your child one hour or it could take three nights to settle in to, depending on how tired and how persistent they are. Invest in some earplugs for your other family members and whoever is not on bedtime duty that night gets to wear the ear plugs and sleep through the disturbances. You can get some really good wax or silicone earplugs from the pharmacy that really do a good job of blocking out noise. It's important that you alternate bedtime duty so that at least one of you gets a sound nights sleep.
2) Do not let your child sleep in the next day! The purpose of the routine is to help their bodies know that when it's bedtime, we are tired and need sleep. If your child has been persistent and has been up half the night crying or getting out of bed, they will be tired the next morning. If you let them sleep in then they will not be tired again the following night. I know it may feel challenging if you also feel tired, but know that it will pay off in the long run. Your child will be ready for bed the next night.
3) The playroom is the best place for sleepyheads. If your child is tired then you don't need to skip the playroom that day. Whenever your child isms, they get to take a break. If the two of you are tired, you can play quietly together and don't have to exert yourselves.
Please let me know if you have anything you'd like to add or ask about the bedtime blogs.
FROM ALISON: Many of our children have challenges with fine motor skills which lead to challenges with using their hands for tasks like writing. We used to have this with Jordan, but with a few household objects and a bit of planning there are games that can help with this. So the first game is to string two washing lines across the playroom one at each end. Then pin up pictures on one of them of things that your child is motivated by. The important piece is to use clothes pegs that require a pincer grip to operate them. Then have a race to see who can transfer the pictures from one washing line to the other. Maybe you could do it wearing a blindfold so that you are slower - then swap and let your child wear the blindfold. Another game involves getting one of those metal single hole punchers from a stationery shop - these require a squeeze grip. You could then set up a fair ground game where you and lots of cuddly toys get to go on the rides but you all have tickets that need holes punching in them so you can count how many rides you have all had - and of course your child is the ride operator so he gets to punch all the tickets and go on the rides. Another version of this would be for your child to be an old fashioned bus conductor and punch all the tickets. Picking up small things can be challenging - so using dried foods (that the child is allowed to eat) can be a way of practicing a fine pincer grip. You could open a whole food shop and your child could be the shop keeper. You can then come into the shop and buy 20 raisins and 15 grains of rice and 17 pieces of pasta etc. Your child then needs to count out the foods one at a time and move them from the pot they are in to another pot. If you like making a mess, you could always put a tarpaulin down on the floor and tip all the food together on the tarp and then sort them out into pots - or use glue and make food pictures. Or make pasta necklaces etc. Have fun with helping your children to use their hands.
FROM CAROLINA: Yes, "Throw Away Your Television" happens to be a song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers - but no, this is not a blog about current pop culture. And yes, it is funny to imagine your garbage bin out at the curb with your television peeking out the top - and no, it probably won't fit very well. But yes - I am serious. Throwing away our television was the best thing my mother ever did for me.
I discovered at a very early age that my family was just a little bit different. When my friends were munching on turkey sandwiches with processed cheese on white bread, I was eating organic cheddar cheese with alfalfa sprouts and pickles on whole grain bread - the kind of bread that looks more like trail mix than bread. My friends ate fruit roll-ups - I ate fruit leather. My friends had cookies - I had "nutrition nuggets" - our affectionate nickname for the cookie-like lumps my dad made out of whole-wheat flour, nuts, raisins and whatever else he could find in our sugar-free, additive-free kitchen cupboards. And that was just the beginning of what made me stand out from my friends at the lunch table...
While my friends were talking about their favorite cartoons, or swooning over the latest TV heart-throb, my sister and I could never figure out what they were talking about. We were raised entirely without television - to the point that we didn't even have a television in the house for watching occasional movies. I still remember how once every few months, we'd go down to our local video store and rent a movie (taking forever to choose something that the whole family would enjoy), and then, while my sister and I happily carried the video to the car, my parents lugged the bulky, brown, rented TV and VCR (circa 1975) behind us.
Looking back, I've realized that what really made us different was how much more time we spent living our lives instead of watching others live make-believe lives on television. We played in our tree fort in the backyard - we choreographed dance performances and forced our parents to buy tickets to our shows - we buried treasure in the backyard and made maps to find it again the next day (and only once couldn't find where we put it...)... We EXPERIENCED life in a way that our friends simply didn't.
Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love a good TV show - there was something wonderful about curling up on the couch to catch up with Friends when I was in college. And yes, there were many years that I resented my mother for keeping me from my cartoons. But I've come to realize that my mom is one of the wisest women I have ever known. She had it figured out - and she helped our brains develop a healthy dose of curiosity by teaching us to explore our world rather than watch it flash on a screen in front of us.
Our Son-Rise Program children with autism or related challenges need extra support to learn how to socialize with people. Natural exploration of social relationships with other people (NOT through the television) is one of the best ways for our children to develop their brains toward more social interaction.
Some of you may not yet be ready to part with your television - thus, Episodes 2 and 3 of this blog will soon follow. For now, let this seed be planted in your brain - the average American watches more than 4 hours of TV each day (not counting computers, video games and texting on cell phones). This adds up to 2 months of sitting in front of the television each year - and if this person lives to be 65, he/she will have spent 9 years of life glued to the television.
FROM SIMONE - Most volunteers I have worked with were, to start with, adept of the belief that they were not creative people. Other popular beliefs were that you were either born creative or not and that their ideas were never fun or funny.
I would like to demystify these 3 beliefs. Everybody can be creative and have fun or funny ideas, the more you exercise your creative muscle the more natural it will become to you. Talking about exercising normally leads to the impression that being creative then will take time, much the opposite.
While studying advertising at University I remember vividly our Teacher for the subject of creativity, (yes we do study it in advertising, which is proof that it can be learnt) saying that "The best idea is not the best but the first". In fact I heard the same motto again later at a creativity course for the playroom too, but what does this mean? When we had brainstorming sessions at the advertising agency everybody would come in, even the cleaners, and throw in the first thing that came into their heads, why? because the first idea is not censored, it is not studied so it is more likely to be funnier, wittier, unexpected. That's how children function so to work with children it is definitely a hit! While choosing the wrong logo for a company could cost you millions, frankly having an idea that your child is not going to enjoy won't do any harm so what have you got to lose or fear?
Exercising having ideas at the spear of the moment or improvising is a great tool for the playroom where we need to be flexible and go with the child, who we never know how is going to react.
I had this idea some time ago for practising improvising with my volunteers at meetings and realized while talking to another fellow Son-Rise Mum that she did exactly the same and it also worked so well for her team so I decided to share it with you here.
There is a Program on American/Canadian/British TV called "Whose line is it anyway?" I put an example here for you, in which comedians have to improvise each act after being given some clues. I just use the same games they use in the Program with the volunteers who normally have a lot of fun and the exercises help them also to loosen up. Here are some examples:
Prop - Give your volunteers a strange prop, create yourself something with Styrofoam or use a part from some kitchen device like a food processor and get them to in turns think of uses for them, they could be glasses, hats, spaceships etc
Crazy Party - One volunteer is the party host while the others are guests in the party, each guest is going to receive a card with what or who they are supposed to be in the party and the party host needs to guess who or what they are. Have fun creating funny possibilities such as Turtle racing the rare, Cheshire cat, A car with no brakes, for the guests to act out, the possibilities and fun are endless.
Standing, Sitting, Lying down - Three volunteers act out a scenario you give them, for example you are at the dentist and the dentist mistakes chili paste for your filling, you try to tell him but can't speak with your mouth being held open by an instrument. One person is the dentist, the other the dentist assistant and the other the patient and they have to act out the scene but as long as at any given moment one person is standing, another sitting and another lying down. When you say change they have to change their positions but remain one on each different position. You can't have two people sitting or standing at the same time, for example.
Blind Date Program - Two or three volunteers are at a blind date Program and another is the candidate looking for a date. The candidate asks questions such as where would you take me for a romantic dinner or what is your favorite hobby and the dates have to respond according to the card he/she has been given to impersonate, Bob the Builder, Thomas the Tank Engine or Peter Pan and the candidate has to guess after a few questions who they are.
Sound Effects - One person acts out a given scene the other has to make the sound effects for the scene as in this funny example:
Wishing you loads of fun with your volunteers at your next meeting!
